Thanks to Reiki I became a better version of myself, a beautiful work in progress.
Before I found Reiki and really started to work on myself I was merely just existing. I was “surviving “ each day just to get through it. I was hurting, crying on the inside, as I consumed by pain and trauma. Life had no meaning or purpose to me, and I found no real joy or happiness in life. I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t trust in life, and I couldn’t tap into my own intuition. Life was pretty bleak for me, for so long.
Then through chance I found Reiki and it was a wake up call to me and my way of being. It became instrumental in transforming my life from the inside out. It was a path to get in touch with myself again, and in working through years of pain, and hurt. It helped me to open back up to life, to not just exist, but to be an active participant in life and truly begin to enjoy life. Through Reiki I began to trust in myself, trust in life, and to connect to my intuition and inner guidance. It’s truly changed my life from the inside out and it continues to do so every day. I don’t just practice Reiki, I live it, and it blesses my life every day. Through Reiki I was finally able to truly love myself and my life. To create a life worth living. And helped me to be grateful for the life I have.
If you are ready to unlock your potential, to become more empowered, and begin the journey of healing and transformation, contact me and we can connect and work together to start your journey of empowerment and healing with Reiki too. I have an office in Medford NJ, and also do distant sessions through the Zoom App.
As far back as I can remember, and at my age that’s not to long ago. I mean, like I don’t even know what I had for dinner last night. I kid of course, I do recall what I had, it was food. I have always struggled with food. I always had a love hate relationship with food. I loved food it didn’t love me.
We did that tango back and forth for as long as I can remember. Which is impressive doing the tango for so long since I can’t really dance. I am more of a man who boogies. My whole life has also involved the delicate dance of being in the bathroom, numerous times a day. So much so that I once had a boss quip to me, “whenever I am looking for you, you are always in the bathroom.” Such words were so damaging to me growing up. Being made to feel bad about myself and my body. In a way being shamed before the internet made shaming the normal.
Living that way was the normal for me. I would avoid long trips, or being on the road for a long amount of time. Being far away from the bathroom was not a comfortable experience. It would create so much anxiety, and stress. Of course the anxiety would feed into stomach issues and I’d be caught in a vicious circle. One that I hated. One that dominated my life. Over the years I tried drugs, and fad diets, and avoidance to try to live a life. Except I wasn’t living a life, I was avoiding life. Of course I was fine with that. I did have movies and video games. That life didn’t afford me many friends or lasting relationships. It can be hard to understand that life when you live outside of it.
Eating foods and the body reacting to it, almost as soon as I ate it, was not the best of things to go through with food. Especially when food is so vital to our existence. Of course much of the “food” we consume or have in the world today is far removed from actually being food.
My aunt shared this photo with me last night and I was floored when I saw it. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that was me. That guy does have a goatee. Perhaps he’s my evil twin bent on destroying me and conquering the known universe? This is from 2013. That time was a very rough and dark time for me. It was a gradual buildup over the prior decade to hit that place of what was a very deep, dark rock bottom for myself. It was a time full of deep, dark depression that bordered on me wanting to give up everything. Even life itself.
I spiraled very hard during this time and the next year after it. This is probably me at my heaviest I had ever been. I am probably around 270 in this picture. They say the camera adds 10 pounds, so I’m assuming there is about 20 cameras on me. Right? These days I am a much more trim and healthier 205.
I was pretty numb during that time. Shutdown to a lot. Food was my comfort. Junk food and sugar was my haven. Food sensitivities was completely rampant in my body. I struggled digesting most foods and spent most of the day on the toilet. The only thing I was drinking was store bought iced tea. Which was full of sugar. How I never got diabetes from all of that, or even how I survived all of that. I don’t know.
It was 2 years later around May of 2015 that I decided enough was enough and I needed a change. I set out to change myself and my life. I decided to change my eating and living. Transforming myself in so many ways. It’s been a wild and crazy ride over those years. With many ups and some downs. And some really high ups in there too. And there is so much more of the journey left in me. It’s surreal to see myself like this. I am still working now to heal my gut, strengthen my body from all the damage and stress I put it under where food allergies are high in my body.
I am working to rebalance my body, mind, and spirit. This picture is reminder of where I was at in my life to know that that is not where I ever want to be at again.
If you say you can’t do it, or it’s not possible. I’ll tell you that it is and even show you what it can look like.
Bloating! Stomach bulging. Belly, grumbling. Feeling tired, and lethargic after. This, is what it’s like for me, when I eat foods that my body doesn’t agree with. It’s like my body is Bruce Lee, and it’s going to war against the foods I eat. In an ironic kind of way it’s nice to know that my body has such a highly defensive mechanism that tries to fight off what it thinks is an ninja coming to assassinate me in my sleep.
When it does go to war, I’m the one that is usually caught in the blast zone. That is what it’s been like for me, for as long as I can remember. Growing up I just thought it was my nerves. Being nervous going here, and there. Or taking a test. Don’t get me wrong I was certainly one that would get anxious every now and then. And that anxiety certainly made a mess of my body, and played plenty of pick up sticks in my intestines. This was something different. This was something, deeper than just nerves and butterflies. This was my body reacting to the foods I consumed.
I didn’t know it at the time, and so for the vast majority of my life I suffered with it. Not knowing when my body was going to react, and when It would send me into fight or flight mode, and me needing to get out of dodge. Of course I’ve never been to dodge, but I was always trying to get out of there for some reason. Naturally this creates lots of anxiety, and fear when it comes to be trying to be anywhere. Driving in the car for long amounts of time. Or having to be at some sort of function with others around. I have a digestive system that is more volatile than a bob-omb.
After running last week, and really feeling it in my left knee. I took some time off to heal up, and let my body relax. I didn’t want to be all like Salt-N-Pepa and “ah push it.” A knee injury is the last thing I need right now. Don’t need to be set backwards when trying to move forward.
On top of healing up I decided it was a good time, a good time as any, to get some proper equipment. And so, I set out on my trusty steed, I went to the local blacksmith(store) to forge me some new gear.
I had been running for two years back 4 years ago, yet I know nothing about running. Other than one foot goes in front of the other and then you do it quicker than walking. I had some basic “running” shoes, but they were not properly sized up, and picked for me. I’ve always had a wide foot. If I didn’t, I would topple over all the time. As such it can be a challenge to find proper shoes that are wide. I end up getting a bigger than length on my shoes which gives me shoes that don’t fit properly.
This are the fist running shoes that are properly fitted for me, and my wide feet. I’m looking forward to taking them for a test spin tomorrow. Try them out a little. See how they feel. Maybe, if they are a nice fit, I’ll go and take them to dinner. I don’t want to be too presumptuous with my shoes. This is a long term commitment we are making with each other. So I have to play it cool, play it smooth. Don’t want to be too fast forward with them.
I have much to learn about running. It’s a fun journey. One might even say, it runs right through me. Huh! Huh? No… worth a shot. Puns away!
Since I am still healing up from my knee acting up during my run the other day, I am taking some down time from working out. To repair and recover. I will be back at it, tomorrow, with shoulder day.
I’d like to use this time to talk about something else. Something that is also near and dear to me. That is Reiki, energy healing. This blog is more than just my journey of fitness, and working out. It’s my journey of introspection, healing, and deeper levels of understanding of self. For as I health coach, I look at healing more than just what we eat, what we do with our bodies, but also what we put into our thoughts, and feelings. For that is all connected to how we eat and operate on a day to day basis. Our relationship with ourselves, and with food can be how we eat and if we take care of ourselves.
For so long I didn’t really take care of myself, in ways I should have. Years of low self esteem, feelings of being ugly, or fat, and I just didn’t care about myself, or what happened. I was stuck that way, stuck in my thinking, and stuck in life. I was in a rut, and I was pretty deep. Like, Deep Impact deep. Actually I can’t say if it was that deep, because I’m not even sure I’ve seen that movie. *shrug*
I’m Barry Allen the fastest man alive. With the help of my friends at Star Labs, I sneak into your home and clean it while you are sleeping. Together we are cleaning up Central City one messy house at time. And everyone thought it was just elves who helped Cobblers make shoes while they slept. It’s not just elves, even Super Heroes help keep your house clean while you rest.
Today was I got myself out there to run again. I got back up on my high horse, and I hightailed it out there. I ran so fast I broke the sound barrier and lapped around to the point where I was moving at a moderate pace, but it felt really fast to me. I was going zoom, zoom, in my head.
First mile out there I hit 12:20, the same pace I did last time I was out there. I’m slowly inching closer to getting under the 12 minute mark per mile. The second mile, no so much. As I was running my left knee was not having this run. It was going, “hey!” And I said back, hey! He said, “I’m tired, and sore, and I’m ready to go back to bed.” I said, oh, I hear you. But we got this thing going on. You know, you’re part of it. We are moving, and grooving, and running. But my knee was persistent. It said, “no!” And so, backed into a corner, I had to slow down, and walk much of my second mile.
Now I will use some time to heal up my left knee, take it easy, stay off of it as much as I can, and prepare to get back out there again. I think I also need to get myself some better running shoes. Ones that are better at absorbing the shock of the pavement out there.
I’ve now started my fourth month of regular working out with free weights. While that may not be that big of a deal to many people, to me that is a HUGE accomplishment. As it’s a new thing I’ve done for myself. I have spent my whole life, not working out. Always bored by it, never wanting to get up early to do it. Never wanting to do it after work. And just, never really enjoying it. Back then I’d probably say I’d enjoy going to the dentist more than I would ever working out. And I hated the dentist growing up.
I always tried to work out. As I struggled with self-esteem issues, and body issues over the years. Struggling with my weight, and thinking if I had muscles you could see, I’d feel better about myself. I’d always get the thought to do it, but the execution always ended up fading away. Like the golden era of cartoons.
This time I am sticking with it, not to lose weight. But in doing something good for myself. For loving myself, and my body, enough to take care of it.
Three months of working out, and learning about myself, my body, and my muscles, has been a fun experiment in self growth and change. This is only the beginning of that journey, and I look forward to where it will take me next.
Run Forrest, Run! Perhaps Forrest Gump was on to something when he decided to up and just run across the country. Perhaps he knew the power of fitness and cardio…. Or perhaps he just had a lot of free time on his hand. Either way today was my cardio day.
Running has been such an enormous cathartic experience for myself. To be able to channel all of my emotions, feelings, energy, into running has been so helpful for me and my journey of not only fitness, but health in general. Exercise has a wonderful effect on the chemistry of the brain, it helps to release feel good emotions. If you’re feeling depressed, or sad, get your body moving. It will make a huge difference to that mood.
There was a time in my life when anxiety dominated my mind. It dominated my life, and for many years of my life that was how I saw my self. As an anxious person. That life pushed me to being basically agoraphobic. I didn’t even know what an “agora” was but some how I was phobic of them. And so I didn’t want to go outside incase there was an agora out there trying to get me. And that’s why I took up running. To run faster than those agoras and keep them away from me. That and Zombies. Zombieland has shown me the importance of cardio when it comes to Zombie invasions.
When I first started running it wasn’t easy being out there, away from the comfort of my safe place. My home. To be away from it all, and out there running for 45 minutes to an hour at times. Can be scary for me. But I push through the fear, and I say, “hey! You agora! You can’t get me.” It has become easier for me to do so, to get out there and run. One day, perhaps I will even be able to run a marathon of some kind. Or even be able to run in a place that’s not near my home.
I’m making progress, and making lots of growth and change. Today’s run came in at 12:20 a mile. My first mile was full nonstop. My cardio and endurance is improving, and I’m doing better and better each run. I’m getting close to breaking the 12 minute mile mark, and will soon get to breaking the 10 minute a mile mark. And I look forward to that.
Back at the end of 2020, I decided it was time to get myself into shape. Again. The last time I was in shape was in 2018. I was running back then, running a lot. Running was freedom to me. To be one with the wind, to be one with the earth. Then life got busy for me, and I put off running, and eventually all my hard work I had achieved from running, was no more. I gained back 50 of the pounds I had lost.
Feeling frustrated with all the progress I made being lost, and seeing myself in the mirror, knowing I was once a smaller version of myself, I knew it was time to snap out of it, and get back to work with it.
It was time to start eating healthy again, and start working out. This was a new concept for me. Lifting weights. I was never a person who regularly lifted weights. Or really lifted them in general. The most lifting I was doing was printers, servers, and registers for my job at the time. I would, ever now and then get the urge to decide to work out. That urge usually was fleeting, and left quicker than it arrived. I’d work out for a week or two, and then I’d stop for years without doing it again. And then I’d do the tango with working out and not working out.
Being laid off, and with the pandemic causing us to shake up our lives, it became the person jumping off point for getting jiggy with it. And sticking to it and actually doing it.
This blog is about that journey of discovery. For this is all new to me, and I am learning about it. Learning the exercises. I had a basic understanding of them, and now I am learning to apply them, and learning to grow with them. And learning about my body.
It’s been 3 months since I set out to do this. And in that time, I have gone from having little strength. Where I couldn’t even bench press with a barbell, to then being able to get stronger with each session. I am starting to see muscles slowly starting to form and I am enjoying the process and the progress I am making. I am also getting back out and running. And my working out is helping me reach new levels of my running game that I didn’t have prior.
My life is changing, and I look forward to the next 3 months. I hope you will all join along in this journey with me.